"Sometimes" and other exercises in futility

It's funny how creative types stand in the way of their own ability to create. What's funnier are the excuses and stories we create around the reasons for a lack of action. I began this blog with an honest but insincere preface of not wanting to commit to a certain posting schedule because my creative energies might lead me elsewhere. That was...bullshit! I didn't want the pressure of having to commit myself to a specific posting schedule because sometimes I'm lazy. Sometimes I'm self absorbed. And because sometimes I'm off somewhere rolling around in the self-inflicted drama of my life.

Had I been honest, I would have said: "Sometimes, instead of creating stuff, I just like to think about it. Instead of creating stuff, sometimes I like to imagine I did because I thought about it. Instead of creating stuff, a lot of times I like to live vicariously through my favorite authors and artists and tell myself that since discipline comes with age I'll be a creative old fart one day."

Sometimes the answer isn't in planning or envisioning or thinking or practicing. It's in doing and being and creating and realizing that sometimes is a cop-out!

Happiness Plateau

Today I had an interesting conversation with my husband. I told him that lately I've been feeling sort of, well....blah. I'm happy with my life but I keep feeling like 'so you're happy, now what?' It's like a happiness plateau.  I've tried hard to ignore it because the feeling doesn't seem to add up. I'm the most fulfilled I have been in a very long time. I've got a great job that I thoroughly enjoy. I finally started my blog. I've got the free time I've been craving to spend with friends and family. We finally started re-decorating our house. For all practical purposes, I finally have a "normal" life.

So what's the problem??!!

Well first let me confess that I still don't know, but I've boiled it down as best I can to a few things.

• I'm used to having a certain amount of drama in my life. I'm not talking Jerry Springer here. I mean crises. I'm used to constantly having to juggle the various dilemmas of balancing work and family and I don't really have that problem now.
• Maybe I'm getting the proverbial "itch". You know, maybe I'm getting the m...ma..maternal instinct. There! I said it. 
• Maybe the world's gonna end in 2012.....*crickets*...bwahahaha!

Okay, seriously! Like I said I don't have it all figured out. In an attempt not to jinx myself I will only say this. Reaching a life plateau can be a valuable thing. It has given me the time to examine, analyze and revisit several areas of my life. Living a drama free life can be uncomfortable in a culture that craves and celebrates drama and crises. When you reach a plateau period in life, there can be a tendency to undermine its value and incite drama because that's a comfort zone. The best advice I have to give is when you reach a fresh, sunny, quiet place in life, sit still a while and take it all in.

Unapologetically Me

I often hear from people who seem to view me as some sort of anomaly -- an exception to the rule. While I find it flattering, it often makes me wonder what exactly it is that sets me apart from the crowd.

For starters, I never try intentionally to stray from the beaten path. Seeing others with the ability to assimilate quietly and fly under the radar in a crowd has always been a trait I secretly envied. I mean, it's not always easy to be the girl who sticks out like a sore thumb. I often feel that my action an thus, my life are under close scrutiny. However, I've long since abandoned any hope of living incognito and have committed to being the somewhat mysterious, eclectic, lady of intrigue, unapologetic in my quest to learn and be more.

As with any decision, there are pros and cons. Here are a few:

• I've got a pretty interesting story to share with my kids and grandkids one day.
• By daring to dream, I've gotten the opportunity to see many of my dreams realized. I can't imagine living a hopeless, stagnant life.
• I have an awesome group of friends, family and supporters who cheer me on and are inspired by my vision. Having cheerleaders is a real motivator to keep it movin'!

And then again,

• It's not always easy to convince the people who care about me that the choices I make in life will all work out in the end.
• Being different is hard work! Being Miss Understood is a daily occurence.
• Committing to being a non-conventionalist takes a lot of discipline and constant introspection. Trust me, the picture is not always pretty!

In a nutshell, I feel incredibly grateful to be a part of what I feel is a very special group of people in the universe.